September 2009
3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices
3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices
by Tim Ward
I have heard the rumblings of many of you in
Readerland about the recent spike in
gasoline prices. In fact it’s all I seem to
hear about lately. But at least it keeps you
from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns
and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to
try to help you get through this crisis by
generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising
Gas Prices!
1. Don’t Drive Your Car
This is, of course, the most obvious solution.
If you never take the old Plymouth out the
driveway, then it won’t matter that at current
gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon
gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles
to the gallon. If you never drive, you could
care less.
Of course, I know what you’re going to say. “But
Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And
the kids have school and soccer practice. And
then there’s grocery shopping and yoga lesssons
and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah
and….” Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can
sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles
and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore
photos like me. I fully understand that some of
you have a life. But just because you don’t drive
your own car doesn’t mean you can’t get around.
The answer?
2. Carpool
It’s seems so simple now doesn’t it. Instead of
using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else
pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to
school. Make someone else dip into their retirement
fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to
get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone
else get a second job so that they can have a full
tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs
to cruise the mall. It’s so simple.
Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that
everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool
situation you would eventually be required to use
your car and spend your money driving others around.
But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is
a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you
avoid using your own car by making it so that the other
carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120
degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:
(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it
looking and smelling like the county landfill.
(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting
in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of
candy so he/she is always superhyper.
(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your
spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails,
chest hair, etc.
(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud!
You shouldn’t have to worry about anyone wanting to
ride with you ever again.
3. Ride the Bus/Subway
Many cities have a mass transit system that is an
alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live
in a city that doesn’t have one don’t worry-you can
always move. Of course, riding public transportation
does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily
overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:
1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact
with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for
someone to mug you.
2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat
to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken
as an invitation to mug you.
3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up
a conversation with the person sitting next or across
from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an
invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone
to talk back.
4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the
right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to
immediate mugging.
5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation.
Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite
mug victim material.
Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices.
Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep
from spending twice your car’s Blue Book value just going
to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling
and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to
just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer
concerns you. Hopefully, I’ve once more helped my loyal readers
in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple
thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we’re not on
the bus. I’d hate to have to mug you…
About the Author
Timothy Ward publishes the Ward Wide Webzine, a publication that refuses to bring you anything but the best articles and internet marketing tips. it is also slam-packed with humor and laughs. Subscribers are expected to interact through contest and submissions. To subscribe now visit:
http://www.wardwidewebzine.goduck.net
25 Reasons You Might Need to Wear a Welding Helmet
A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection while one is welding; however, there are definitely many other uses for a welding helmet. A welding helmet is a very practical that should be found in every home. Here are just a few ways you might find yourself in need of a welding helmet:
1. You can’t find your bike helmet.
2. You lost your Darth Vader mask on the opening day of a Star Wars movie. A welding helmet is a good substitute; however, you will have to mimic the Darth Vader breathing noises yourself.
3. You do not know your science very well but you think it would be cool to make your own fireworks.
4. You are scared of identity theft.
5. You wear a welding helmet in hopes of attracting women, making it clear to them that you are manly and can fix things.
6. You want to reenact the opening credits from The Simpson’s and you are playing the part of Homer in the
nuclear power plant (in this case, you will also need a glow stick).
7. You think that cartoons are real and there is a possibility of an anvil dropping from the sky.
8. If people who look at you turn into stone then you might want to wear a welding helmet.
9. You want to give your kids a punishment they won’t forget and decide to make them wear the welding helmet to school for a week.
10. If you are scared of the sun giving you wrinkles or skin cancer, you could use a welding helmet to protect yourself from the sun’s harmful rays.
11. You have horrendously bad breath and/or forgot to put you makeup on.
12. You can’t find your sunglasses.
13. You are someone who always wants to be on top of fashion and thinks that welding helmets could be the new thing.
14. You are sick of relatives pinching your cheeks at family reunions.
15. You are a celebrity and you don’t want the paparazzi taking any pictures of you.
16. You are sick of shallow people falling for you because of your looks and want people to like you for your witty humor. Wearing a welding helmet would definitely be a way to see if that special someone likes you because of your personality.
17. You think that the end of the world is near and somehow a welding helmet will save you.
18. You want people to think that you are weird, have learning problems, or that you are half man and half machine.
19. You want to do your own rendition of Phantom of the Opera called Phantom of the Tool Shed.
20. You think that your partner in your science lab class secretly wants to destroy you.
21. You had an extremely bad haircut.
22. You think you are like Cyclops from X-Men and you have uncontrollable optic blasts from your eyes.
23. You want to scare little children. (Carrying a blow torch and laughing will also help you in this goal).
24. You don’t ever want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
25. And I guess you might possibly want a welding helmet if you think you will possibly be welding
something anytime soon.
These are just a few of the reasons that it is probably a good idea for you to wear a welding helmet. After you get your own welding helmet, I am sure that you will find this list to be very limited and you will find thousands of other uses for it.
About the Author
Kaitlin Carruth is a client account specialist with 10x Marketing - More Visitors. More Buyers. More Revenue. For more information about welding helmets, please visit Tool America.
12 Goofy Ways to Stay Safe and Healthy in Today’s Hazardous
- Stop breathing ozone immediately. You know you can if you try.
- Do not strike matches near an open nuclear power plant.
- Do not rub either your scalp or your bosom with the latest scientific breakthrough.
- Never sit next to strangers in movie theaters, churches, or hot tubs.
- Never ride with a teenager wearing a Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt.
- Do not store feminine hygiene products in a microwave oven.
- Avoid harmful fats — particularly those name Gloria.
- Never go swimming immediately after eating a day-old tuna and mayo sandwich.
- Avoid death-defying rides at amusement parks — especially those that have carried 10 million people without an accident.
- Avoid wearing tight designer jeans, since the dye used in some designer labels, when sat on by laboratory rats, caused dishpan tail.
- Avoid medical care by licensed physicians. Even if the treatment causes no harmful side-effects, the bill can prove fatal.
- Be satisfied with what you have. Stay away from pyramid parties, gurus, Nigerian email offers, and marriage counselors.
Follow the wise though goofy suggestions above and you will have an excellent chance at survival. But just in case, always wear clean underwear.
About the Author
Joe Hickman, a veteran writer for comedians and public speakers, is editor of HaLife.com